#6 TRUE CONFESSIONS OF A DIVE GUIDE

All divers are guilty of this, everybody does it, even if you’ve never done it before, as soon as you start diving, you are going to do it, whether intentionally or inadvertently, sooner or later, you are going to lie. I'm not talking about big lies that have a major influence on the New York stock exchange or a profound effect on world politics, but small little ones that just kind of slip out during normal conversation between two or more divers, they can’t help it, it just happens. Maybe "lie" is to harsh a word to use here, perhaps "exaggerate" or "magnify" or better still "overstate" would be more fitting. I know what your thinking, "Lenny, you've gone to far on this one", but let me give you just one illustration of the kind of "overstatement" I'm talking about.

I had three new divers on the boat recently, and to prevent any future legal litigation, I'll just refer to them as Mr. Johnson, Mr. Gordon, and Ms. Owen. We had just dove Palau's "Blue Corner" which, I think almost everybody would agree is one of the worlds best dive sites. Everything had been perfect, the sea was as flat as newly cleaned glass, visibility was at least 150 feet, and a slight incoming tide had made it one of those dives when you wished you could stay down all day, and that's not an "overstatement." I could tell by the grins on all their faces that everybody had a great dive. It was Mr. Gordon comment that caused the chain reaction.

Mr. Gordon: "Did you see the size of that barracuda; it must have been four feet long!"

Mr. Johnson: "That's nothing; the one I saw was at least five foot!"

Ms. Owen: "Did you see the school of them? Must have been 25 or more.”

Mr. Gordon: “Hundreds, I'd say."

Mr. Johnson: "Thousands, is more like it!"

Ms. Owen: "What a great dive, it's not everyday you get to see thousands and thousands of six foot barracudas’"

Mr. Gordon. "You got that right."

Mr. Johnson: "And did you see that shark? Biggest white tip reef shark I've ever seen!"

Ms. Owen: "Which one? I saw at least six"

Mr. Gordon: "Six? Where were you diving? I saw twenty or more gray reefs.”

Mr. Johnson: "I'm sorry, did I say white tip reef shark. I meant a tiger shark, really big one too, probably ten foot, maybe even twelve."

Ms. Owen: "The one I saw was fifteen."

Mr. Johnson: "Fifteen foot? I didn't think they got that big."

Ms. Owen: "Ah, not the ones that usually hang out around the reef but those pelagic ones get at least that big."

Mr. Gordon: "Pelagic?"

Ms. Owens: "The ones that come from the open sea."

Mr. Johnson: "Yeah, those ones are really big."

Mr. Gordon: "What a great dive.'"

Ms. Owens: "I saw a Manta ray."

Mr. Johnson: "How big?"

Ms. Owens: "Fifteen foot."

Mr. Johnson: "Didn't either of you see the three twenty footers?"

Mr. Gordon: "No, but I saw one that was thirty five foot from tip to tip!"

Ms. Owens: "Thirty five feet?

Mr. Gordon: "From tip to tip."

Mr. Johnson: "Are you sure It was thirty five foot?"

Mr. Gordon: "It was Pelagic."

Mr. Johnson: "Oh."

Ms. Owens: "What a great dive!"

There was an uneasy quiet on the boat and you could almost hear the wheels turning in their heads. I couldn’t wait to see where it was going to go from here. Then Ms. Owen turns to me and says, "Lenny, what did you see?" All eyes were on me. It was my moment of "truth." I knew that I only had one shot at it, and it had to be a good one. I Picked up my mask and causally applied two or three drops of defogger on each lens, gently rubbing the solution in between my fingers. I then reached over the side of the boat and filled the mask with water, gently swilled it around and poured the remainder back into the sea. I took a deep breath, slowly exhaled, and looked straight into their collective eyes and said.

“I saw a whale shark.”

This got their attention and I could sense that Mr. Johnson was about to make a comment so I continued before anyone could speak.

“Actually it was a mated pair; they were a little over 75 feet in length.”

I paused for a moment or two to let the image sink in.

“And the female was giving birth.”

I couldn’t help myself, I was on a roll, and I had to continue on.

“Normally I wouldn’t have taken the time to watch as I’ve witnessed that dozens of times, but what got my attention was the fact that the female was giving birth to identical twins. So as long as I was there I figured I might as well watch. As you are probably aware, a whale shark giving birth to identical twins has never before been observed in the history of man.”

I looked over at Ms. Owen, and just to be on the safe side I added.

“Or woman.”

All three jaws dropped simultaneously and I knew I had pulled off the biggest “overstatement” of the all. I sat back and propped my feet up on the ice chest, carefully positioned my body to insure the proper amount of sun light to maximize my tan, adjusted the brim on my hat so that the shadow fell across my eyes, popped open a soda and thought to myself.

“It’s good to be dive guide.”