Well it’s that time of the year again. Yes, that’s right, time for all the radio stations to start playing every Xmas song ever written. I think there should be some kind of universal law that says the Xmas song can only be played one week before the 25th and must cease by midnight that night. With that being said, this is for all you singer songwriters out there. Write a Xmas song, record it, and send the CD to every radio station in the known world and you will be immortalized, as they will play it year after year no matter how bad it is. I know what you’re thinking, “Lenny how can you say that about every Xmas song ever written, surly there has to be some that you like.” Ok, there are two good songs. “Chestnuts roasting over the open fire” is pretty good but the best is, beyond all doubt, “
Some of you may have noticed that I used the expression “Xmas” instead of “Christmas.” This is because I want to be politically correct; as according to “Fox News”, there is a war on Christmas you know that they are “Fair and balanced”. I’ll report this and you decide…
Anyways this got me thinking late last night while sitting on the toilet gazing out the window at the porch light. Exactly what did flying bugs do before the electric light bulb was invented? And what the hell are they doing? They appear to just buzz around in a tight spiral for a few minutes then land, take a brief rest and then do it all over again.
But wait I digress, its Xmas so keeping with that theme, have you ever noticed that you never hear Joseph side of the story? So I now present for your reading enjoyment
JOSEPH’S SIDE OF THE STORY!
Joseph and Mary are on their way to
“Joe honey, I think my water just broke… “
“Damn, I knew we should have bought a new horse instead of this used donkey. Ok, don’t panic there’s a Days Inn up the street a ways.”
The night clerk at the front desk informs them.
“I’m terrible sorry but all of our rooms are full”
“All full? Take a good look at my wife, she’s about to have a baby, and one of my sandals is coming apart, surly there must be something available?”
“Well yes, the Honeymoon Suite is available, but it’s rather pricey.”
“How much?”
“I’m afraid it 3 gold pieces”
Joseph checks his pockets, all he can come up with is 6 Iota’s, and since there are 3093 Iota’s to one Shekel, and 258 Shekels to one Ducat, and 674 Ducats to one gold Piece, things aren’t looking too good.
“3 gold pieces? That’s outrages; it’s freaking highway robbery. I don’t want to buy the damn
The night clerks looks down at Joseph sandals and says.
“No sense in bringing him into this, I’ll tell you what, there’s a stable out back, and there’s plenty of room for you, your wife, and your donkey.”
“How much is that?”
6 Iota’s…”
Joseph slams the money on the counter and storms out.
“I won’t forget this…”
Joseph and Mary made their way around back, and found the stable; strapped the feedbag on the donkey, fashioned a crude bed from some straw laying on the ground, and proceeded to deliver the baby.
“Look Mary, it’s a boy. What shall we name him? How about naming him after my uncle Hymie? I kind of promised him that if we ever had a baby boy, we’d call him Hymie.”
“Ah… Joseph, there’s something that I have to tell you…Remember about 9 months ago when I told you that I met a man by the name of Gabriel?
“Yes…”
“Well he really wasn’t a man but in fact an Angel…”
“An Angel, what the hell are you trying to say?”
“Now Joe, don’t get all bent out of shape, just listen. Gabriel said that I was going to have a baby and he was going to be very special.”
“So what’s that got to do with me?”
“Well, doesn’t it seem rather strange that we haven’t had any sex since we’ve been married?”
Then it finally sank into Joseph…
“Come to think of it, it has been a little peculiar that you’ve had a headache every night for the last 9 months, but I just thought it was one of those “Women things”
“Anyways, Gabriel said that we should call the kid Jesus.”
I have to insert a little known biblical fact at this point. Believe it or not, Joseph’s family name is, in fact, Christ!
“We will call him Jesus, but I still have to keep my promise to my uncle. So it’s settled, from now on his name is Jesus Hymie Christ,”
“Do we really have to call him Hymie; it just doesn’t seem to feel right?”
“Ok, how about Jesus H. Christ? That has a good ring to it.”
They kicked the donkey out of the way and laid the baby Jesus in the manger and settled down for a good night sleep.
“Damn!”
“What is it now Joe?”
“Some idiot has left the porch light on, and it shinning in my eyes, now I’ll never get any sleep.”
“No look, it’s not the porch light, it’s a UFO…or…a beautiful star shinning right over the stable.”
At the very moment, the barn doors busts open and a bunch of Sheppard’s, with all their sheep, come running in. Joseph jumps up and shouts.
“What the…?”
“Where is he?”
“Where’s who?”
“The chosen one!”
Joseph is really pissed now and grabs his crotch.
“I got your chosen one, right here!”
“No, wait, we come bearing gifts.”
Joseph looks around the barnyard.
“Oh yeah, I don’t see any.”
The First Shepard grabs the bell from around one of the sheep’s neck.
“Look a nice shinny bell for the child to play with, and ring in joy to the world.”
The second Shepard places a baby lamb next to the child in the manger.
“When the child grows up, he will always remember that he is the sacrificial lamb of the all mankind.”
The third Shepard hands Joseph his staff.
“What’s this for?”
“Use this if that lamb gives you any problems, just smack him with it.”
“Ah, very wise…”
The silence is broken by the sound of a beating drum. Joseph looks around to see a lone little drummer boy beating his little drum in the corner.
“Knock it off or I’ll come over there and beat YOU with my new staff!”
There is a commotion outside as three wise guys on camels ride up to the stable.
“Can anyone tell us where
Joseph replies.
“No, I think you got the wrong place, no kings here, just me, my wife, a bunch of crazy Shepard’s, a little drummer boy and our son Jesus.”
“May we come in? We’ve traveled far, and Jesus may be the one we seek”
“Look guys, it’s getting late and we all are getting tired…”
“We come bearing gifts.”
“Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard that before.”
“We bear Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh!”
“Why didn’t you say so in the first place, come on in, make yourself at home.”
Joseph turns to the Shepard’s.
“OK, all of you guys out! And take all these unclean sheep with you. You too little drummer boy, I’ve heard just about enough from you.”
As the Shepard’s make their way out, Joseph shouts at one of the Shepard’s.
“You there, hurry it up, and make sure you take little Lamb chop with you.”
Joseph turns to the 3 wise guys.
“I believe you mentioned something about gold?”
Then he turns to Mary.
“Woman, get up and get these guys some bread and wine, can’t you see they’ve been riding hard?”
“Hey, who just had the baby here?”
The 3 wise guys make their way to the manger where the baby Jesus lay.
Wise guy #1 “Yes, there can be no doubt about it; he is the king of king.”
Wise guy #2 “I agree, just look at him, those eyes, that hair, his skin, his…”
Wise guy #3 looks at the child then at Joseph, then again to the child.
Wise guy #3 “You know, there’s something rather peculiar about this kid…”
All 3 wise guys glance over at Joseph and nod their heads in agreement. Joseph notices this and says.
“What?”
“Oh, nothing, nothing…Let’s get busy with the gifts.”
Wise guy #1 hand Joseph and moderately large box. Joseph opens the lid…
“Holly Moses! Look at all that gold. “
Wise guy #2 hands Mary the second box and Mary turns back the lid.
“Frankincense, I just love the aroma of this stuff. Did you know you could make really neat smelling candles with this?
Wise guy #3 hands the third box over to Joseph. He opens the lid to see 6 kilos of the finest Myrrh he’s ever laid eyes on…
“Dudes, is this what I think it is? Isn’t this illegal?”
Wise guy #1 “Only in certain states, man.”
Wise guy #2 “Yeah man, this is really good shit man!”
Wise guy #3 “Most excellent, its home grown from
Wise guy #1 “Dude, just be careful, the “Man” Pontius Pilate doesn’t catch you, word is he’s been nailing dudes to a cross!
Wise guy #2 “Ditto”
Wise guy #3 “Heavy man”
They all gathered around the fire and commenced to the partaken of bread, wine and a little Myrrh. When the day broke, the 3 wise guys departed and made their way back to
Evidently nothing too grand must have happen as the story picks up 12 years later…
“Mary, you know our baby has grown into a swell kid, no problems with him at all, except some of our secret stash of Myrrh appears to be missing. Somehow he always seems to know exactly where we hide it. It’s almost as if he’s Psychic or something. I think you should have a little talk with the boy; he seems to prefer you to me.”
“It’s the crowd he’s been hanging around with. You know he really doesn’t have many friends his age, except for that Judas boy from across the tracks. I know, let’s all go on a little family vacation to get a way from it all.”
“Good idea, how about Majorca
“No, I was thinking of someplace a little closer, how about going to see your uncle Hymie, he lives just outside of Jerusalem?”
“Great”
They arrive in
It’s about a 3-day trip from
“You know I really enjoyed Jerusalem, it’s a city of brotherly love, I bet hundreds, if not thousands of years from now it will still be the same, no violence, no petty religious wars with people trying to prove who’s imaginary friend is better than the other guys…Don’t you agree Jesus?”
No reply, Joseph turns to Mary
“Where the hell is that kid?”
Mary looks back.
“I thought he was with you!”
“Damn, now we have to go back and find him. Maybe we should make him wear that bell that Shepard gave him? And where is my staff?”
When the returned they searched high and low, and finally found Jesus at one of the temples arguing with one of the money exchangers who had a booth set up inside the temple.
“Jesus, what are you doing, we’ve been looking all over for you?”
“It’s this money exchanger; I can’t stand what he’s doing.”
“Yes I know…it just doesn’t seem right to be exchanging money inside a temple.”
“No, that’s not it; his rate is 15% higher on Myrrh than the going rate in town!”
“That bastard…Stone him!”
3 days later they finally make it to uncle Hymie farm. They spent a week relaxing and taking life easy. As they are about to depart uncle Hymie turns to Joseph and says.
“Joseph, may I have a word with you in private?”
“Sure Uncle Hymie, what’s up?”
“I don’t know how to say this politely so I’m just going to say it. How you ever noticed something different about your kid?
“Well yes, he may be a little physic, probably gets it from his mother…”
“No, that’s not it, take a good look at him…He has fair skin, blond hair and has blue eyes, and you look, well frankly, like Saddam Hussein!”
Joseph’s heart skips a few beats, until now he had never notice it before, but it obvious, Jesus didn’t look anything like him. His mind flashes back 12 years ago to what Mary and told him about that Gabriel guy…he had fair skin, blond hair and blue eyes! She also mentioned something about wings but he just thought she had a little too much Myrrh. So that’s what the 3 wise guys where talking about! Joseph finally realized that Jesus wasn’t his child!
This is where this part of the story ends, I will continue later…say…maybe Easter but that’s it for now.
It is worth noticing that from here on in there is no mentioning of Joseph what so ever in the story. I have done my research on this mater and it appears that Joseph took off with all the gold and went back to
As many of you know, I am very skeptical of anything supernatural, but I will say, that like Jesus and every “Miss
Ho, Ho, Ho
Later
Lenny
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