#30 SPARE PARTS

Lenny’s Flaming Flags is off to a rather slow start for reasons I cannot fully understand, even though some of you have express your concern for my health, or more correctly, my mental health. But let me put to rest all those ugly rumors going around the web, and assure you that there is absolutely NOTHING going on inside my head. So without further ado, here is the latest business proposal. Wait, just what the hell is ado? They always say “without ado” but never “with ado.” Just once I’d like to hear someone say, “Ladies and Gentleman, with a whole bunch of ado, here is Lenny’s latest business proposal” Oh, I just did…

LENNY’S SPARE ORGAN PARTS

March 27, 2007

There was an AP News story stating that in the US alone there are over 100,000 people on the waiting list for organ transplants. This of course got me to thinking about “How can I make money from this and the Iraq war?” And the answer is…”Why not get the organs from all the suicide bombers in Iraq and sell them to all those waiting recipients?”

Let’s look at the numbers, there are at least 6 suicide bombers a day in Baghdad, if done properly I should be able to salvage 7 major organs from each bomber. That works out to 42 organs a day, which means that it would only take 2381 days, or 340 weeks, 79.3 months, or 6.61 years to fill all the orders. And how much longer are we going to be in Iraq? Yes that is correct Sir, until all the oil dries up, Hell freezes over, or they find the real father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby, which ever comes first.

I know what you’re thinking, “Lenny you idiot, when they blow themselves up, there are no parts left over!” Well, my friend, this is where real profiteers go to the front of the line, and why you will always be on the inside looking out. I know that. That’s why I have developed the world first “Vital Organ Vest” This is similar to a bullet proof vest, and is made of the highest quality Kevlar, Carbon Fiber, and recycled aluminum beer cans, which are readily available on eBay. Martyrs simply strap on the VOV and when they “Push in button” all the reusable organs are protected from the blast. Preliminary tests results have shown that the VOV can sustain blasts of up to 6 sticks of dynamite, 9 ounces of plastic explosives, or 168 pounds of fertilizer. To view actual test results please go to my website www.martyrs-r-us.com. And click on the Pop-up banner, “Ka-Boom”

The current VOV model #911 is light weight, available in 4 popular camouflaged colors, and can be customized to suit even the most decimating Martyrs tastes. If, for security reasons, Martyrs are unable to gain access to the internet, full colored flyers are available at most caves along the Iraq / Pakistan border. Woman and children’s sizes will be available soon.

Martyrs-r-us always pays 10% more than the current world vital organ prices. This is consistently more than 50% higher than the current going prices in China or India.

Consent forms are available to all Martyrs families, with current prices for all vital organs. I don’t what to raise false hopes, but there are rumors going around that Vital Organs will finally be listed on the American Stock Exchange. This is sure to push the Dow Jones Industrial Average well over that 13,000 threshold.

Recipients I haven’t forgotten you. I have connections with a major psychic healer in the Philippines that can perform all transplant operations without leaving any scaring!

I am working on a lightweight protective helmet that looks exactly like a “New York Yankees” baseball cap and protective Ray ban sunglass. I’m doing this because I’m looking into the future and fully expect that by the year 2012 they will have perfected techniques to transplant eyeballs. I will simply keep all eyeballs cryogenically frozen till the proper time arises. Only problem I can foresee (no pun intended) is strictly cosmic, as there may not be that many people who would want brown bulging eyes with a permanent mad craze look in them. I do expect to sell the brains to medical labs that are doing research on Human Evolution. Hopefully they can discover how after hundreds of thousands of years of human evolution, these brains have shown no hint of thinking for themselves, or having any thoughts for that matter. Then again I just thought of this. Suppose that by the year 2012 they can actually download a person’s thoughts to a 30 gigabit flash drive and then upload it to a new brain. These brains would be perfect as they have been barely used and are nearly completely blank. I’ve got to start making more room in the freezer. Oh, man this could be worth millions…

Please note VOV are not reusable.