1) Contrary to popular belief “Pampers” can be reused 2-3 times.
2) It’s perfectly normal to “breast feed” baby boys but this practice may lead to “lesbianism” in girls.
3) The striking the child on the head with a ruler or a “rolled up” magazine will greatly enforce the “No” command.
4) If children were not encouraged to accept “candy from stranger” then how could the expression “it’s as easy as taking candy from a baby” had come about…Duh…
5) In those instances when “striking” a child is mandatory, one should never use the “back on the hand” as physicians have been trained to distinguish the difference between bruises caused by “knuckles” and a “door knob” Therefore if you must strike a child always use a “door knob!”
6) Clinical tests have shown that girls are not as good in science classes such as math and chemistry compared to boys. By holding them back a few years in the 3rd grade will give them a slight advantage in 6th grade, which if they are naturally “Blonde,” this will be as far as they will go anyways.
7) There is absolutely no truth is the old wife’s tale that if a black cat sits on the chest of a baby it will “suck the life out.” What probably happens is that the weight of a full grown cat sitting on the chest of a baby will restrict the lungs from filling with air and cause difficulty in breathing. I have arrived at this conclusion by numerous experiments with my cat “Tabby” and the neighbor’s kid.
8) Mothers should not form a tight bond with their daughters at an early age, as when they (the daughter) reach the age of 13 and run away with a 45 year old “biker” from the “
9) The golden rule that “children should be seen and not heard” can easily be realized with the use of 8-inch strips of duct tape.
10) If children are discouraged from “talking to strangers” then how are they ever going to “get out and see the world?” and if they do get into the car they should always wear their seatbelts.
11) Second hand smoke may not be as bad for babies as is generally accepted. Recent studies by three major tobacco companies have shown that if infants are exposed at an early age their little lungs will eventually get use to being coated with “tar and nicotine” Leaving numerous ashtrays filled with smelly cigarettes butts within arms reach from the cradle is an often-overlooked way to facilitate this.
12) All babies are ugly and have an uncanny resemblance to Winston Churchill. Very few look anything like their real father.
13) All baby girls should be raises as Moslems. This way they can better cope with having low self-esteem, being subservient, and the “glass ceiling” won’t be all that transparent!
14) Baby boys should be circumcised at birth ‘cause it just looks better. I’m not real sure just how they circumcise a girl, but just how bad can it be?
15) If a parent must abuse the child it should be done as an early age. This way the child will not remember it later in life, except maybe under regressive hypnosis while laying on the “shrink’s’ couch. It will still be hard to prove in a court of law however.
16) “A stitch in time will save nine” applies to children as well, as it will significantly reduce any scaring.
17) Leaving a child a home alone is perfectly acceptable if the TV is left on and turned up real loud. This will drown out the sound of crying and all but the loudest cries for help.
18) Starting the child off with small doses of Prozac in their formula will help them when they enter the stresses of adolescent.
19) Despite what you seen on the 6-O’clock news, locking a small child in the car in 110 degrees temperature while you go shopping for cheap wine at the 7-11 is completely tolerable as long as you leave a ¼ inch gap in the rear windows to allow for a cross breeze. Please note that this may be a good time to use a few of those 8-inch strips of duct tape!
20) A 6-year-old boy can fine his way back to the house when dropped off in the desert just about as fast as a cat! “Tabby” still holds the record.
21) The ancient Chinese tradition of binding the feet of girls so they will look pretty can actually be applied to modern times. Not only will they look pleasant but think of all the money you can save by only ever having to buy one pair of sneakers! Plus you won’t have to have the baby shoes “Bronzed” as she will never out grow them!
22) Parents with a “problem child” should never seek outside or professional assistance and should take care of the problem themselves. Just look how good Adam and Eve’s two boys turned out and they surly didn’t have any outside help!
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