The Engine is up Front
Registration number...007
It Seems bigger from the outside
All Ready to go...
Rotax 582 for power
No Hangar!!!
ULTRALIGHT PICTURES
#1 Stamps
First of all let me say "Hi" to all my old Friends and "Hello" to all of you who will be getting the "Lenny newsletter" for the first time. Wow I can't believe ifs Christmas! The whole island has gotten into the holiday spirit with lights all over the place, and there are playing "White Christmas" on the radio. Yes there is one am station; 1580 on the dial, and I have all six radio buttons in the car turned to the same frequency. I don't think this will get to anybody before Christmas as they stop carrying mail on the plane this time of the year because of extra passengers. So, Merry Christmas if you’re lucky, or Happy New Year, or Happy Valentines Day
It has come to my attention that some of you are not writing, in fact all most all of you. I sent out 35 letters last time and only got two letters back. Do you know how hard it is too sent out letters? Not only do I have to come up with all interesting and witty thing to say but I have to go to the post office and buy stamps, which goes something like this...
ME: “Excuse me I would like to buy some stamps please.”
POSTAL GIRL: “……………..”
ME: “Hello, excuse me but can I get some stamps?”
POSTAL GIRL: “Want you want?”
ME: “Stamps I would like to get some stamps.”
From here on postal girl will be referred to as IDIOT
IDOT: “You buy stamps?”
ME: “Yes I want to buy stamps.”
IDIOT: “………………….”
ME: “Excuse me can I buy some stamps?”
IDIOT: “What?”
ME: “Stamps…Me buy stamps?”
IDIOT: “OK”
ME: “Yes I want Thirty Five, 29 cent stamps.”
IDIOT: “No have 35 Cent stamp!”
ME: “I'm sorry, I want 29 cent stamps.”
IDIOT: “ ..................... ........”
ME: “29 cent stamps me buy?”
IDIOT: “OK,” She opens the desks draw and tears off one stamp.
ME: “No, I want thirty five stamps.”
IDIOT: “No have 35 cent stamp.”
ME: “Yes, yes I know but I, ME want thirty five 29 cent stamps!”
IDIOT: Putting stamp back into Drawer. “What you want?”
ME: “Me want the god damn Stamp!”
IDIOT: “OK,” She opens draw and tears off a different stamp.
ME: “Good,” With an evil smile on my face. “How much?”
IDIOT: Taking out calculator and only making two or three errors, “29 cents.”
ME: “OK, I'll take ONE more!”
IDIOT: “Sorry, looking at watch, “Lunch!” Closes Drawer and walks away.
ME: Gritting my teeth and having vision of driving my Suzuki Samurai Jeep through the front door just like
I must confess that I started this letter before Christmas but it's now the 26th of January, make that the 15th of February and I'm still trying to get this out It is the busy season for Fish N' Fins and we have had 50 to 60 divers a day for about two weeks, but things have slowed down to about 20 to 30 divers a day. I have been doing two dives a day and sometimes one night dive for the last four weeks without a day off. I'll usually have 6 to 8 divers on my boat and try to take them to the best spots depending on the weather and the tides. Last week I took a group to Peleliu corner which can be a real exciting dive as it is a vertical drop off starting at 5 feet and going straight down to about 1000 feet. There is almost always about 10 15 sharks at the comer but this time I was looking down and it looked like I could see the bottom so I went down to 150 Feet and what I thought was the bottom turned out to be a huge school of sharks! I estimated something like 150 to 200. I've never seen that many in one spot before.
There is also another place which we call "German Channel" because the Germans made it sometime before World War I. You have a 50/50 chance of seeing Manta Rays there. The biggest I've seen was one about 12 feet from tip to tip. 1 was able to swim up under it for about 15 minutes. It's always strange to see something that big.
The most exciting thing that's happen so far was about one week ago when I was down at 80 feet and the first stage on my regulator went out! An of a sudden my regulator started free flowing (air coming out uncontrolled) and started making this incredible loud popping sound that sounded like a motor cycle under water. Luckily when it broke air was coming out so I could still get air but needless to say when something goes wrong with your regulator 80 feet down it gets your attention real quick
One thing that is interesting in
There are only three kinds of people that come to
It is now well into February, and my birthday has come and gone. I had an amusing story to relate to you about my birthday and my age but somehow I just can't remember just what it was!
There is a chance that I will be going to
We have a lot of divers from Australia and they seem to be relatively decent people despite being descended from common criminals and still can't figure out what side of the road to drive on, and you would think that they would know by now the difference between a simple flashlight and a torch, but who am I to judge? Who knows maybe I'll run into "Crocodile Dundee" who if am not mistaken is the only one of them to ever make it "Big" And while I on it, why do they call the "Bar-B-Q" the "Bar-Bee" is it really that much trouble to put the stupid "Q" on the end! AND if they think their so damn SMART, why do they…I am sorry I just got carried away. So to all my Friends "down under" please forgive me, and, ah will one of you please be kind enough to pick me up at the airport?
We had a group of divers from Scripps Institute of Oceanography come over here a few weeks ago collecting sponges. Sponges have different kinds of bacteria that keep things from growing on them. They were looking into the possibility of some new bacteria that might help in the prevention of cancer or some other disease. So now, not only am I one of worlds leading sponge collectors; but also, one of the leading authorities on sponges. Well maybe not the leading but clearly I would conservatively place myself some where in the top ten. I say this with all modesty based on personal observations, as I do not think there can be more than ten people in the world who really care about sponges! I shall now try to enlighten those less fortunate on the difference between the common domesticated sponge and the wild sponge. Wild sponges come in all shapes where the common sponge tends to be more rectangular. Wild ones come in a variety of colors where as you may have noted the common sponge is usually pink, blue or yellow. The wild sponge leads a very stationary life with little if any movement where as the common sponge tends to migrate, first from the bathroom then the kitchen and finally works it's way into some dark corner in the garage. This lack of movement in the wild sponge does have one disadvantage, as it allows the collector to gain the upper hand during harvest time. In the future, all wild sponges caught be me will have a tag certifying that they have been "Hand Collected" without the use of drugs, long lines or gill nets!
I have to admit that there is a slight chance that perhaps a Dolphin or sea turtle may inadvertently be caught using the current method of collecting. So I’m designing a new sponge trap that will keep this to an acceptable minimum and I plan to market this to Scripps and other Institutes in the near future. I know what your thinking, "Just how big is the demand for sponge traps?" Granted there isn't a huge market for sponge traps, but I intend to charge an outrageous price as I am convinced that anybody who would BUY a sponge trap will pay any price.
Well I guess I'll try and get this in the mail tomorrow, so I'll end this edition by saying that your subscription to the "Lenny News Letter" is directly related to you writing back. So if you don't want to miss out on the next issue which by the way will cover such topics as "The Japanese, “Will they ever learn to dive?” And "Does anyone really like French people?" and "How to politely ask a fat girl to please go to the other side of the boat to help level the load" and "What do the Eskimos think of all this global warming?" and my personal favorite "Will poetry really be necessary in the 21st century?"
OK to all my friends who are-
Supreme Court judges......................... "Hey, what's one little bribe?"
High energy physics............................ "Let the force be with you!"
Model airplane flyers.......................... "They all crash sooner or later!"
Private pilots....................................... "The propeller goes up front!"
Air line pilots...................................... "The pointy end goes up front!"
Red Skins Orthopedic surgeons......... ."Break a leg!"
Poets................................................... "Give me a break!"
Unemployed....................................... "Get a job"
Lawyers.............................................. "Get a LIFE!"
Ex partners.......................................... "I can use the money!"
Japanese............................................. "No, you’re a good diver, really!"
Ex-sub sailors..................................... "What the Fuck? Over!"
Sponge experts.................................... "Just kidding, I'm laughing with you, not at you!'
Asian Diver staff writers................... ."It's spelled, Lenny Oberg!"
Australians......................................... "Don't worry, they always by to tear down the very best!"
Ex wives............................................. "I'm sorry!"
Insurance salesmen............................ "Luckily, I don't know any of them! "
Sons.................................................... "Eric, when are you coming over here?
And write to Grandma and Grandpa."
Mom and Dad.................................... "I love you guys!"
Every body else.………………………."I miss you, and Write me please!"
This concludes this edition! Back issues available upon request!
#2 TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
Dear,
This is for all my friends who complained last time about my generic letter and wanted it to be more personal. So just fill in the blanks with your name, your first name will be sufficient as I am sure you know who you are.
Hey, how’s it going? Just thought I'd drop you this personal note and fill you in on the latest. I arrived here in Palau on Oct. 15th after staying about two weeks with Eric and Eddie in the Philippines. Eric (my son the dive instructor) is doing just great. Since April he has had about 80 students and has been busy every weekend with check out dives. He appears so have a steady girl friend by the name of Hanna. According to Eddie she come from a very wealthy family and her father is some big Colonel in the military and her brother owns a large security company. Eddie told Eric, half joking; to make sure she stays happy because if she "cries" Eric would probably end up "missing". But they seem to be getting along just fine. Eric asked me what I thought of her and I said "How can you go wrong? She's smart, good looking, has lot of money, But what does she see in you?" Eric started laughing and said "I don't know?" Actually Eric becoming kind of famous in he own way with all the divers and has a million friends, in fact I'm introduced as "The father of Eric"
Eddie is starting the worlds first "SCUBA CLUB" and it's going to be very big! The facilities will have a pool for Eric’s' scuba lesson, class room, restaurant, Sushi bar, dive shop and club house, and showers. He has a crew of 25 working 6 days a week constructing everything. The biggest job is the pool. The table is about 10 feet down and these poor guys had to dig this huge hole in the ground with a couple of shovels and a wheel barrel! Even with a water pump running, the bottom is about 1-2 feet under water. They were fabricating the foundation of steel "re-barb" by hand. It’s incredible to watch these guys having to cut 1" steel re-barb with a hack-saw. It takes about 45 minutes to cut through one rod. They have no power tools and everything is done by hand. I asked Eddie what his weekly pay roll for the 25 was and he said $1,500.00 dollars. That's about $50.00 each a week with the two fireman getting a little extra.
The last Friday that I was there Eddie put on a little Bar-B-Q for the crew and they decided to really live it up and went into town to find the "main course" Which turned out to be ...DOG...Yeah, I’m talking about a "Rover Fondue", a "Fi-Fi soufflé", a little "Spot" on the half shell...Actually they put him on the Bar-B-Q for about 10-15 minutes then skinned it and marinated it in some kind secret sauce for 3 hours and then ate it raw! It's supposed to give you strength or something; they even had some kind of ceremony saying that there sorry to the dog about having to eat him. I struck to my fried chicken, at least I pretty sure it was chicken!
The traffic in Manila is still unbelievable, cars going every way in every direction. If you think grid lock is bad in L. A. over here not only is it locked, but someone threw away the key! Taking a cab can be quite an adventure. Eric and I took a cab the other day and got the cab driver from hell! This guy was not going to stop for anyone or anything. He was on the horn almost continuously, sometimes he would beep the horn for no apparent reason, not only that, he had a back-up horn with a special switch on the dash which he used only on special occasions. It appeared that he was pissed off because he had been disqualified from a destruction derby for reckless driving! Only once was he driving down the right side of the road, the rest of the time we were like a salmon going up stream against the traffic. In Manila there are actual signs posted that say "NO COUNTER FLOW TRAFFIC." But he did get us to where we were going faster than anyone else so I guess it was worth the two bucks!
I did manage to get in some diving in the Philippines. The water was pretty warm and really didn't require any wet suit. The last time I dove there in February it was rather cold. We stayed in a resort own by a great guy by the name of "Boy Venus" For some reason the name "Boy" is real popular in the Philippines and even the movies use the name, in fact one of the hot Kung Fu movies (which is all the ever show over here) is call "Boy Kano". Kano is street talk for "American" (American--Kano--get it?) it's about some guy who is half Filipino and half American and some mean Chinese bad guys killed his wife or sister or maybe it was his mom, but anyway he's out for revenge and has to kill everybody on mainland China! I think it's up for some kind of award. There's another one called "Boy Recto". I'm not sure what Recto is short for but I think it's about some Half assed guy out for Montezuma’s' revenge!
Just in case you were wondering what happened to all those Disco albums from the 70s', don't worry their allover here in the Philippines.
Anyway it's been raining ever since I arrived in Palau. And I'm not talking California Rain, I talking about typhoon kind of rain with 30 to 40 mph winds, with rain pouring down all night long on my tin roof. I would wakeup two or three times a night thinking that the roof had just blown away. But yesterday the sun came out and it's just another day in paradise.
There were 4 broken windows in the house that had been covered up with plywood. Looking around I found all kinds of glass just lying around so I got my glass cutter out and cut 4 windows, no big deal until Francis comes by and can't believe that I cut the glass. Evidently no one on the Island can cut 1/4" glass so all of a sudden I've got strangers walking up to me wanting to know if I'll cut some glass for them! I really hadn't planned to get into the glass business but who knows...
My container arrived on the 21st only 3 weeks late but by Palau time that's not bad. The Samurai jeep came through without a scratch and has been the perfect car. Everybody likes it because it is built with American standards instead of the bottom of the line Japanese cars that they get over here.
Probably to most interesting thing that I have learned so for about Palau is the incredible diversity of bugs. The other night I made the mistake of leaving the window open and the light on inside the house. I went up the hill to see Francis for about one hour and when I returned it was like I had entered another world. There were big bugs flying around the room and even BIGGER ones trying to get off the ground. It appeared that the really big ones needed some sort of runway to get up enough speed to takeoff, so they were using the arm of one of my chairs as a runway! They tended to take off in a westerly direction so I wrote a big 27 on the arm of the chair, and tried to assist them by setting up a temporary tower. Most of the bugs caught on to the procedure quickly but some seemed to have problems with the radio work, and a few just didn't catch .on at all so I squashed them. Later that night I went into the bathroom and there sitting on top of the toilet seat was the MOTHER of all spiders! I'm not afraid of spiders and evidently this spider was not afraid of me, so we had a stand off with neither of us giving ground. I thought about squashing him but I had just cleaned the bath room and didn't want to make a mess. I finally got him to crawl on to a magazine and carried him outside, he must have weighed about 2 lbs. but since I don't have a scale I can't verify that so you will just have to take my word for it.
Well, it’s about time for me to go diving so I'm going to end this now. If I remember correctly you did not write back last time, so I suggest you write or else you might be taken off the list---I mean, I might not write these special letters just for you!
#3 BOIL
I just got released from the hospital this morning and I can see by the concern in your face that you want to know all about it! It all started about a week ago when one morning after I shaved; yes I shaved my beard off after 20 years. I thought that it might be about time to see just what I looked like under all that hair. So I shaved it off a few days after my birthday (Feb. 4, just in case you didn't know). Any way some times when I shave I get an in grow hair that once in a blue moon will turn into a small insufficient pimple that goes away in a day or so. Well you guessed it, this one hung around a few extra days and than decided to turn into a boll right on my right cheek next to the corner of my mouth. Great, just what I needed. So it grew to the size of golf ball and I figured it was about time to go to the doctor. I went to the SDA clinic (Seventh Day Adventist) and talked to the doctor there who is a nice old guy but whom I'm not too sure of his ability to recognize a real problem when he sees one. He prescribes some antibiotics for me to take four times a day and says the Immortal word of all Doctors from all over the world. "Call me if it gets any worse!" Which I have come to know, really means "So long kid and don't bug me no more!"
The next morning I wake up only to discover that my cheek has doubled it size over night. I go back to the doctor and he says that we should open it up to help it drain. By now I'm willing to try any thing. He then utters another of those famous doctor sayings "You may feel a sight discomfort!" Slight Discomfort my Ass!! He's got this 12" needle digging so deep in my check it feels like he's going to poke through to the other side! After about what seemed like three hours of surgery he says "Strange, nothing in there!" With tears in my eyes I look up and say "By chance have you ever done this before?" He then decides that maybe he's looking in the wrong place so he takes the needle and says does this hurt?" I felt like grabbing him by the balls and saying "Does this hurt?" But I figured he had the advantage of having a knife and I didn't so I let it go. By now I have a gapping hole in the side of my cheek that you could almost put your fist inside, so he rolls up what looked like a washcloth and sticks it inside. "Call me if it gets any worse!"
I stagger out to the front deck to pay my bill ($30.00) I kinda knew that I was in trouble when I had to ask him what seemed obvious to me and everybody else in the waiting room "Can you give my anything for the pain?" I sat down and waited for the nurse to come back with my pain pills. By now the whole side of my face felt like it was on fire and someone was trying to put it out with an ice pick. I'm starting to squirm sitting on the chair when she finally comes out with a small bottle of pills. She sets them down on her desk and starts talking to some patient about how to fill out some stupid form and then the phone rings and she talking to her boyfriend. After ten minutes I can't take it any longer and I walk over to the counter and yell "Can I have my fucking pills now!" No I didn't say that I just made that up, but that was what I was thinking. She did give them to me finally and I swallowed two with a little water from a little paper cup with daisies on it. "Excuse me, but will these make me drowsy or anything? I might be operating some heavy equipment later today and I wouldn't want to, you know, squash some little kid or something!" To which she replied "Oh no it's Acetaminophen!" I said "What's that, some form of Codeine or Morphine or LSD or something?" "Oh no it's Tylenol" "TYLENOL, are you crazy? I'm about to pass out and you give me something from a TV commercial!" She smiles "But it's Tylenol 3!"
I get in my jeep and head over to the dive shop, look at the bottle of Tylenol and think that if I were take the whole bottle at once…By the time I get to the shop I'm starting to get the chills and my lips are starting to swell up. I go to the Marina Hotel and Susan (Francis wife) is there and suggests that I lay down in one of the rooms for a while. They put me in room 103 and I tell the girl at the front desk to please check on me in an hour or so just to make sure I'm still alive. I had this vision of them finding some decaying body in the bed a few weeks later and saying "You know if somebody had just checked…I got under the covers and I'm still shaking and the pain is so bad I can't talk. (Yes I know that must have been REAL bad!)
I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I know the front desk girl is asking me how I felt. The pain was not so bad so I figured that the Tylenol had probably kicked in…NOT…she wants to know if I want to watch a video on the TV? They play video's in the office and you can see them in the rooms. I said “Sure just pick something you like.” She turned on the TV and left and I just laid there watching the static for about 20 minutes before she was able to find a great selection. It was called "Fury for Freedom" Which is about some punk kid that was in high school and was always getting into trouble and then he joins a Karate school and becomes an expert, but then gets into a fight back in high school and goes to court and the judge lets him go only if he joins the Marines and he goes to Vietnam and kills all sorts of guys but then get into a fight with some officer and…and…the electricity cuts out! I just lay there waiting for the power to come back on for 45 minutes. When it does come on I figured that they would continue with the movie so I watched the static for another 20 minutes. OK, it’s not coming back on so I get up to turn off the TV, and take three steps and look into the mirror. Oh great, my face is puffed up like a beach ball! I get back into my jeep and drive to the clinic. The old doctor looks at me and suggests that I go to the new hospital and leave a real Doctor look at it because he's not sure just what's wrong.
Palau has just opened a new Hospital, which by the way I helped Richard Install the computers and an the cables, they only had enough money to build it but not any money to update any of the equipment for the inside so they just took all the old stuff from the old hospital and moved it into the new one. After waiting for over one hour I got a chance to see a doctor. He was an Indian, not an American Indian but an Indian from India, and spoke with the typical stereo type Indian accent. .
"Oh, your face not look to good!"
"Hey, you’re not much to look at either rag head." I didn't really say that I just made that up.
"Oh you “You make joke,” (giggle) “I mean the big lump on your face"
"No, the lump on my toe. Of course the lump on my face you idiot"
Reaching over and poking the hole in my face with his finger... "Does this hurt?"
"THAT does it. Come on, put ‘em up, just you and me doc. right here, right now!"
"Oh very sorry, very sorry"
"Well OK, just don't let It happen again. What do you think?"
"Take two of these antibiotics and call me if it gets any worse"
"Yeah, Yeah, I know, can you at least give me something for the pain?"
Thinking for a few moments he writes some thing down on a piece of paper and hands it to me.
"TYLENOL"
Its 6:00 PM by the time I get home and immediately head straight for bed. Took my pills and told Francis to please check me in the morning. Still had thoughts of them finding some rotting body and saying "If somebody had just checked...!”
I woke up at 7:00 the next morning and felt pretty good no pain, sat up and started to get out of bed when I realized that my most of my right check was still lying there on tile pillow! Holy shit. Now I discover that I can't see out of my right eye! I look in the mirror... "Oh my God", the right side of my face has tripled in size, and has even swollen so big that it has almost closed my right eye! Oh Man, Oh Man this can't be happening! I jump into the jeep and head straight to the hospital emergency ward. On the way there I keep thinking that it must have got so infected and with the washcloth still struck in the hole in my cheek there was no place for it to go so it just filled up the empty space in my head! When I arrived the nurse immediately puts me on the table and starts to pull the washcloth out. "Ah, I would stand back if I were you!" But nothing, nothing comes out. So she cleans it up and puts in a new washcloth and says that I can leave. "No way" says I. "Something's wrong and I want to be checked into the hospital" About 10:00 O'clock a doctor finally comes in and agrees with me and orders the nurses to start a IV going so they can get me on antibiotics as soon as possible. At this point I must confess that I'm not afraid of needles as long as they stick them into somebody else, and it's not even the needles that bother me It's the PAIN I don't partially like. I don't know why but somehow I just knew that I would get some trainee nurse that still hadn't got a passing grade on starting IV's. Sure enough, they bring in this 250 ponder who looks at me and starts giggling. She talking to the doctor and then says "You want me to do what?” Christ, just give me a dull rusty knife and I'll do it myself. She wraps the tourniquet around my arm and says "You may feel slight discomfort" I look at her and said ''What? Are you studying to be a Doctor or something" I'm not sure who hand is shaking more hers or mine but she jabs this huge needle in my hand trying to hit a vain. "Oops I miss (Giggle) Sorry; missed again...This is my first time you know! (Giggle), Oops." Mercifully the head nurse comes by and takes pity on me and slaps my wrist 30 or 40 times until the vain is just about to pop through and sticks the needle in.
"Take him to the Surgical Ward and check him in!" These words were uttered with the same inflection as you would say "Take him to dungeon and throwaway the key!" Everyone around me had the look on their face as if to say "Oh my God, Not the SURGICAL ward" They put me in a wheel chair and rolled me away. I not quite sure why, but I had this strange feeling that I was going back into time to some ghastly prison of war camp that was being controlled by some hideous combination of a Nazi, Japanese, and the deep south prison guard. I was expecting to see this tall blonde guard with a crew cut hair cut, little squinty eyes, a big pot belly, wearing chrome sun glasses and dressed in a kimono, come out of nowhere and with southern Japanese ascent say "What we have here is a Failure to Communicate." Mentally I was prepared. The first thing would be to eat any and all food they slid under the door to my cell, to keep my strength up. Second I wasn't going to kowtow to no white silk, hooded imperial grand wizard no matter how much they tortured me, well, OK I'd do it, if it was for the well being of all the other prisoners, and third they weren't going to…to…I'm not sure what number three would be, but they weren't going to do it to me, By golly!
They wheeled me into my semi-public room with my IV bottle rack and said that I could have the bed over in the corner, So far so good; I sat down and had a look around, there were three other beds with four other guys laying on them. My IV bottle rack looked like it had been left there since the war but it still did it's job of holding up the IV bottle and all the tubes that ran down to my hand. The guy lying in the bed straight across from me looked pretty bad. His arm was in a sling and what looked like knife slashes all over his chest and back! "Those bastards!" I hissed between my teeth. In the other corner was this real old man sleeping, with six relatives sitting around looking real depressed. The third one was sitting up in his bed with a great big grin on his lips and said "Hello! How are you doing?" I knew right then and there that he was a plant, a spy, an informer, for THEM! All of a sudden the guy with the knife slashes all over his body comes over to my bed and asks "If you’re insane can they put you in jail?" Kind of caught me off guard, "I don't understand the question" He repeats it "You know if you’re INSANE can they just put you in jail or something?" My mind going like a whirlwind "Gee, that’s a tough one, I’m not really sure about that, Ah...could you excuse me for a minute?" I slowly, as not to make any sudden movements, got out of bed and dragging the IV bottle rack, which had wheels not unlike a broken shopping cart, and headed straight for the front door. The nurse stops me and wants to know where I'm going? "No where, just checking" "Checking what?" she persists" "Just checking to make sure there wasn't a mix up and by some trivial clerical error you've put me in the ward for the fucking criminal INSANE!"
It was lunch time now and some old fat lady, with her hair tucked up under a plastic bag of some sort, rolls in this cart with what I guess was suppose to be spaghetti. ''Where's you cup? Do you have a spoon?" "Hey you got me, and no, I don't" She walks away and comes back a few minutes later and hands me a little plastic spoon and a Styrofoam cup with some pineapple juice in it. First of all I hate spoons, and how do you eat spaghetti with one any ways? Plus my mouth was so deformed by now that all I could do was try and hold a noodle by one end and tilt my head to the right and try and drop the noodle in the corner of my mouth and suck it in. This worked with fair success and after an hour or two I estimate that I was able to consume about twelve noodles. So I change my mind about my first decree about eating everything and figured things could only get better.
I'm supposed to get a new IV every six hours and it was that time. In walks my male nurse, or should I say, in sashays my male nurse and sit down on my bed puts his hand on my knee and with this incredible lisp says "Hi, I’m Tony, and I'll be you very special nurse for tonight!" Great, just what I needed. But by and by Tony and I get to talking and Tony says "You know, I want to be a doctor some day" This was too good to pass up. "By any chance are you studying to a Proctologist?" A big smile comes to his face why, yes, how did you know?" "Just a lucky guess!"
Evidently there is relatively free medical in Palau but when you go to the Hospital they don't supply you with anything. That's why there were no spoons, cups, soap towels or even toilet paper. It's also a custom for the relatives of the sick person to stay with them the whole time they are in the hospital so they spread out these little mats and everybody sleeps on the floor.
It was time for lights out now and everybody lay down on their mats and we all tried to get some sleep. My biggest fear was that my bottom lip had swollen so much that I was afraid that it might
flop up over my noise and I’d suffocate myself while I slept, so I ask Tony to please check on me just in case.
I was in that state where you’re not quite asleep and yet all the sounds around you somehow work their way into your dreams. It was hot outside and of course I didn't bring my fan so I laid there listening to all the snoring and let my mind wander off into some far off place where it was cool, so cool in fact that it was snowing, yes soft fluffy white snow coming down all around me. Morning came and I could tell I was almost but not quite awake and I was still having this great dream about snow and floating through pristine white fields of white floating things and white chickens and baby white seals...and…CHICKENS? I'm awake now and there's still white stuff floating all around. What the hell? Chicken feathers all over the place! A seam in my pillow had broken open and chicken feathers were pouring out all over the place. Chicken feathers were all in my hair. My face was covered with them and there's a three inch layer all over my bed. Tony comes in and says "Why Lenny, don't you just look sweet, I could just”… I stopped him with a raised finger. "Can it Tony!"
People must have felt sorry for me because strangers would walk over to me and give me things like coconuts, Gatorade, old tuna fish sandwiches, grapes and beetle nut. The way my mouth was swollen they thought that I could really chew down the old beetle nut! By the end of the day I had collected so much stuff I was thinking of opening a small gift shop.
You know, I don't think that’s it’s to hard to be a nurse. I mean all you have to do is come by every few hours and stick a thermometer in someone’s' mouth, check their blood pressure, count their pulse rate and give them a couple of Tylenol. How tough can that be? In fact I should have been a doctor.
“Nurse”
“Yes Doctor"
"Every few hours why don't you check the patient’s temperature, blood pressure and pulse rate, and nurse?"
"Yes doctor"
"Better give him a couple of Tylenol...and nurse"
"Yes doctor"
"Call me if it gets any worse"
After five days of this my face finally came back to kind of normal and they said I could leave. Before the doctor had finished the sentence I was packed and halfway out the door. "Wait, you have to pay your Bill!" I hadn't thought about that. At the front desk they made out my Bill and handed it to me. $127.15 not bad I thought for five days in the hospital, but then I started thinking. I only make $100.00 a week so that's still a week and a half of my pay! They get you one way or the other. At the bottom of the Bill there was a question to be answered by the doctor in the space provided.
Condition of the Patient upon release?
To which the Doctor had scribbled.
“Getting better!"
#4 SPECIAL LENNY NEWS LETTER
About a year ago I lent $20.00 to a good Palauan friend of mine by the name of Billy-Joe. It's common practice here to shorten every body's name down. Some of the characters that I hang out with have names such as. "Winkler" who we call "Wink" and "Florenceco'" which turns into "Show", and "Abraham" who of course is "Abra", and "Kayoshsi" is shorten to "Kayos", and Nixon is Nix’s, and "Musao" which stays "Masao", and "Billy-Joe" will respond to just plan" Joe"
Joe is a short five foot two, and is about 25 years old, and has worked for Fish 'n Fins for two years but about six months ago we had to let him go. Sometimes he would get a little drunk pay day night and just not show up for work the next morning, which in itself is kind of the way things are done around here. But business was a little slow so we gave him some "Time out. Joe got a job working as a boat driver for another dive company and would still come around just for something to do. So last Saturday he comes driving up to our gas pumps to fill the tanks in his boat. The total bill can to exactly $20.00 so I take this opportunity to inquire. "Say Joe. My little brown friend, does the number twenty have all special meaning to you?" He looks up at me, and I can tell he's trying to think real hard by the blank expression on his face. Then in a sudden flash of enlightenment he starts this big grin from ear to ear and says. "Oh yeah, I owe you twenty bucks!"
Me: "Well?'
Joe: "Well what?"
Me: "Well, when am I going to get it?"
Joe: "Get what?
Me: "My twenty buck!"
Joe: "Ah….soon”
Me: "Like how soon? Like, sometime in my life time'?"
Joe stars laughing. "One never knows, does one'?"
I have already written off the $20.00, but it's always fun to give Joe a hard time about it. Besides now he owes me, and to save "Face" he has to do "favors" for me. Consequently anytime I need something done 1 can always get Joe to do it for me. But the best part of all this is because he owes me $20.00 he can't ask me for any more money. Hence I guess it’s a small price to pay. .
Business has been very good so far this year and we've had a lot of big name special people here the last few months. First we had a Production team nom Steven Spielberg. Evidently he's going to open a chain of restaurants called "Dive" So he had one on his production teams called "Walk on water" which consisted of about twenty five guys, come over here and film all sorts of underwater stuff. I guess when you walk into the restaurant it's going to look like a Submarine with portholes and a front viewing screen, so it will appear that you’re under water. Neat! They were here for a little over a month. At the same time we had Howard Hall here who was doing a special IMAX film about the "Living Sea." IMAX is that movie theater that has this huge wrap around screen. They did a whole thing with Francis and the kids. So Francis is a big movie star now and the grand opening will be in France some time in August. Howard said that he would put at the end of the movie in the credits a "Special thanks" to Lenny so keep you eyes open and let me know. Right after they left, along comes David Doubilet, who is probably the best underwater photographer in the world. He does ALL the underwater photos for National Geographic Magazine. He had been to Palau in 1982 to do a special on the "Strange world of Palau's salt lakes" will Bill Hamner who was here also working with Howard Hall for the IMAX thing. Bill gave me an autographed copy of the National Geographic Magazine (Vol. 161) No.2 February 1982) that they did years ago, plus copies of all the research papers. When David arrived we were standing by the dive shop and he told me he was here to get pictures of only two things, Manta Rays and a small tropical fish called a Mandarin Goby. He had just arrived from Yap and had gotten some good shots of Manta Rays but wasn't able to find any Mandarin Gobi’s. He say that he's been diving and taking pictures for over thirty years and had never seen a Mandarin goby and that was the one fish that he really wanted to see and was willing to go to any depth and spend as much time as necessary just to get one shot of one. I started laughing and he says "What’s so funny?” I pointed down at the rocks at the side of the dock and said. "There's one!" He almost fell off thee pier, "They're all over here, they come out just about sunset. In fact I have one in my aquarium in the hotel” I told him that we collect them with 1ittle spear guns with a needle and a rubber ban. You shoot them in the tail! He's corning buck to Palau in the next few months wants to do a special on just the Mandarin Goby and wants me to go with him and help do the shoot. He said he wants to get a special split (above and below the water) picture of me with the spear gun and the goby. So maybe I get my picture in National Geographic!
But, that's not why this is a "Special Lenny News Letter." It's special because Sunday, Francis and I were sitting at the shop when a boat comes racing up to the dock with the boat diver yelling to call 911l because they had a injured person on the boat. Francis called 911 and 1 got into my Jeep and backed it up to the dock, and yelled at Francis that we could put the guy in the jeep and get him to hospital. I jumped out and ran to the boat, Francis was all ready there and looked up and said "No need it’s too late!" I looked down. It was Joe!
Earlier that morning he had been drinking und borrowed someone’s Jet Ski and went riding around the rock islands. It appears that he somehow lost control and ran straight into one on the islands. He had a large gash in the side of his head, and I figured he hit a rock and flew off and struck his head and was either dead on impact or unconscious and drowned. The boat driver said that they saw the Jet Ski floating all by it self and when they went to check it out they found Joe's body floating face down in the water.
Two days later Nixon, who is Joe’s brother, invited me to the funeral. All the dive guides from all the other dive shops attended as well as all of his family relatives. They put me in a chair up front and Winkler sat next to me and explained all the customs. I was the only "White" man there and I felt much honored to be invited. It is custom at a funeral for all the moaners to stay there for a few days and the family would provide food so that you will stay longer. We stayed until about 1:00 am before we left. We were all seated outside and Joe's body was inside the house. They would invite you in to view the body and pay your last respects in small groups. Those of us from Fish 'n Fins were invited in first. You would, on course, remove our shoes before going into anyone’s house and they had Joe’s body on the floor lying on a bed of flowers with a cloth around his head to cover the wound. Winkler told me that you were suppose to get down on your knees and work you way around the body and that Joe's "Spirit" or "Ghost" would be there and you could ask him for a specia11avor. Looking at Joe 1 started to cry, and then got really mad at him. I don’t believe in "spirits" or "Ghost" and he just laid there like he was only sleeping. I wanted to grab him and shake him and wake he up just to tell him "Joe, you idiot, How could you be so stupid arid go and do something so dumb." Later they sent around a collection for donations for the family to help pay some of the expenses. I looked into my wallet and took out a twenty dollar bill and dropped it in, and said to Joe "You can keep the other twenty!"
The next day the dive guides from the other dive shops all came down to Fish 'n Fins and we went out in the boats to the spot where Joe died and dropped flowers on the water. Joe was a good friend to all of us and will be missed, especially by me.
#5 BABY SO-AND -SO
I'm out of here I can't believe it! I'm packing my bags and will take the next flight out. I can put up with a lot, but this is the last straw. I heard rumors going around that they might install a STOP LIGHT! I mean there are already four stop signs on the island, so what do they need a stop light for? I've told the chief of police that if they put one up I’m not going to stop no matter what color it is. I'll show them. Mess with me.
Speaking of driving, the speed limit here is 20 mph, and this can be a little too hot for some of the locals who will slow it down to 15. Since it only takes about 15 minutes to get from one end on the island to the other, this is no problem. Bur sometimes you'll get behind some guy who thinks 15 is just a tad bit to fast and drives at a safe and sane 10. It’s a crack up to get behind one of those guys doing 10 and then watch him hit the brakes to slow dawn to go around a corner. You can just about drive any way you want here. Stop in the middle of the road to talk to some of your friends. Or drive down the opposite side because there's too many "pot hole" on your side. Pass on the right if the other guys not sure just where he's going, which is hard to believe because all the roads here dead end! If you get lost, just turn around. You can even speed to 40 mph coming down off the bridge, right before you hit "Dead Mans Turn." It is called that because the road coming down from the bridge is a narrow two lane causeway with water on either side with a slight dogleg to the left at the end. About once a month on payday Friday night some local gets drunk and forgets about the turn at the end and goes flying off the embankment! If he's lucky it low tide, if not, well, you get the picture.
The Palauans are very superstitious and believe that there are ghosts that hang out down there and they will not go there alone at night. For some reason I can understand, the ghosts won't "get them" if they are with someone else. Since my house is on the other side of the bridge, no one will come up to see me at night. I've told them that I drive there all by my self every night and I've never seen a ghost! To which there are quick to reply "Oh, you won't see them, but they see you." This saddens me a little, because I truly would like to meet a ghost.
Well a new year has begun and so far I can't really see too much difference from the pervious one. Some of you may not be aware that I was back in the States a couple of months ago so I'11 fill you in on the details. I went back to see if my ex-partner was ever going to pay me the money he owed me from when I sold him my half of the shop. I owned a tropical fish store by the name Tanks-A-Lot Tropical fish for the last seventeen years. When I decided to go to Palau I sold him my half and he paid me some of the money up front (no way near what it was worth) and was then supposed to deposit monthly payment for the next fifteen months for the remainder of the money.
To make a long story short, I only received one or two of the payments and nothing for over a year. When I returned I paid a visit to the store I was shocked to discover that there was hardly any inventory and that he was never around. Most of the customers I ta1ked to still can't believe he owned the place as they didn't think he even worked there. Needless to say he didn't give me any money but promised that I’d get every penny he owed me. I just found out a few weeks ago that he shut the store down! I'm trying to locate a collecting agency to go after him so at least I'll get half of my money! So if anybody out there knows of a good collecting agency please let me know. Even better, if anybody knows some ex-Mafia type guys who will "Take him for a long walk off a short pier." Well that's OK by me.
My parents were having a family reunion in Long Island, New York and requested that I go back with them, and being the perfect child that I am, I was forced into going. Actua1ly I hadn't been in New York in over twenty years so I thought it would be fun. My mother comes from a large family with twelve brothers and sisters. I must admit that I have a pretty good concept of what aunts and uncles are, but after that, there are these things she called "cousins." This is when I started having problems. So my Mom, who took great delight in this, kept introducing me to all these strange people and would say things like "Now Lenny, this is your second cousin so-and-so" and would go to great length's to point out family traits that we had in common such as, pointy ears, little toes, or bent noses.
Then we got into "second." cousins and ones that were “twice" removed or even worse, ones that bad been removed "three" times. You’d think that being removed "once" would be enough, but I guess not. And if they were "removed" what were they all doing back again? Just whose idea was it to be able to have a whole bunch of "second" cousins anyway? Wouldn't it be a whole lot easier if they just numbered them? We all could wear name tags with numbers on them, or even better, football jerseys, so when you walked in you'd be given a program that would list everybody name and extraordinary body parts. Then it would be more like. "Now Lenny, this is your cousin number twenty seven" and all you would have to do is flip through a few pages in your program and say "Hey, so-and-so, how’s it going. Love that noise."
I did however; unearth a fundamental law of nature. That is, “cousins beget cousins." I mean there were little baby "cousins" all over the place. And all the mom and dad cousins would go from one baby cousin to the next baby cousin and say "Why doesn't she look just like cousin so-and-so." Or my favorite, "Ah, look, he's got cousin so-and-so’s nose. Now wait a minute here gang, I don't care what you say, ALL babies look the same. Let's for the sake of argument say that little baby so-and-so is a real bad seed, I mean a real nasty baby cousin, and is always in trouble with the law, and things get so out of hand that he ends up on the FBI’s “Ten most wanted” baby cousin list. You'd go to the post office to buy some stamps and there on the wall is a baby cousin wanted poster.
WANTED, BABY SO-AND- SO
DESCRIPTION: 22" from head too little baby toe. Weights about 10 pounds, Bald, no teeth, cute, cuddly, stupid grin on face most of the time, cries for no apparent reason, poops his diaper 8 to 10 times a day, if given half a chance will suck his thumb, sleeps all day, cries all night, and cute little bent nose.
There would be a photo of little baby so-and-so, complete with a tiny little thumb print, or perhaps a teeny weenie little foot print, and you'd look at the photo and say "You know, I've seen that face somewhere before." The guy standing next to you would be saying the exact same thing. In fact everybody in the whole damn post office would be thinking that they've all seen that baby's face someplace before. So I rest my case. And please don't go sending me a whole bunch of baby pictures to try and prove me wrong.
The neat thing was that my mom had sent copies of the "Lenny New Letter" to all my cousins and everyone knew who I was or at least knew about me, and wanted to know how my "boil" was doing or if I had any new ones in some strange place on my body, or if I was finally able to buy stamps. They would outdo themselves in making sure that I had plenty to eat. I gained 15 pounds while I was there.
I did succeed in going into the "City" or better known as the "Big Apple" (I'd like to know just why they call it that?) with my good old buddy Tommy or I should more correctly call him The Honorable Thomas Adams as he has somehow managed to get himself elected a Supreme Court Justice of New York. I hope this friendship will come in handy someday when they want to put me away for something and I can say "Hey I know Tommy." They will probable lock me up and throw away the key.
We walked halfway across the Brooklyn Bridge, and we would have walked all the way across too. But to our astonishment we discovered that the second half was identical to the first, only in reverse.
From there we went to the World Trade Buildings and amused ourselves by trying to figure out a way to place a bomb inside one of the parking lots and blowing it up, and we were truly disappointed to discover that it had already been done by some blind guy and a bunch of camel jockeys. From there we went to the Empire State Building and rode the elevator to the top. If you don't count the other two or three hundred people, we had the whole place to ourselves. There were signs that pointed out in different directions telling you just what you were looking at and how many States you could see on a clear day. Since it wasn't a real clear day we could only gaze out and try to imagine what it must be like on a clear day. This soon became boring and we couldn't believe that we forgot to bring some water balloons with us so we could try and hit one of the little "ants" walking around down below.
I then remembered that I once read in a book somewhere that if you tossed a penny off the Empire State Building and you hit somebody on the head it would squash his brain. This might be true but I can tell you one thing, it's not easy to hit someone from that height. We must have gone through a buck and a half worth of pennies and didn't hit anyone! Granted it wouldn't have been easy from our vantage point to tell in fact if we did hit someone, but we figured that if we manage to squish someone’s brain we could tell because all the other "ants" would all gather around one of their "fallen" to help and lend assistance. Then again this was New York and we could have wiped out half the population and no one would want to get "involved'. You know, now that I think about it, a lot of New Yorkers walk around like they have already been hit by a penny!
We were prepared to continue this experiment all afternoon if necessary, but we were forced to cease when the guard became suspicious when we asked him if he could change five dollars into pennies.
A few days later Tommy and I flew to "Block Island" or at lease I think it was Block Island. Anyway it's at the end of Long Island but isn't part of New York, but is in fact part of Connecticut, or Rode Island, or some other state. I was sure that I saw Jackie Kennedy Onassis walking down the street with some of her grandchildren but a local resident informed me that she hangs out over on Martha's Vineyard, which is another island somewhere in the vicinity. I have to admit that I didn't know that Martha's Vineyard was an island as all along I had thought that good old Jackie was just hanging out with a bunch of grapes in someone’s' backyard.
My parents and I drove, or I should say I drove and my Mom tried to read the map and from the back seat, my Dad would put in an occasional "Hey, You should have tuned back there, maybe", up to Connecticut to visit my Dad's sisters. The trees were just beginning to change colors because it was Fall and were very pretty, but it was getting a little to cold for me. Thanks to my Mom's expert map reading and my Dad's photographic memory we managed to keep driving around in circles and it only took three times as long to get to were we were going, but we got to spend some "Family Time" together.
Now that I'm back in Palau, Francis asked me if I could manage the dive shop for him. He said that he didn't think Palauan could do the job. I never thought that I'd hear him say that. Anyways, I've been doing that for the last month and I'm making steady progress in organizing and cleaning up the place. I've just placed an order with U.S. Divers to become a dealer and hope to have inventory by next month. Putting in a lot of hours and only diving once or twice a week.
Wow, I've been sitting here for over an hour trying to come up with something new and witty to say, but I’ve just experienced "writers block." Take the last paragraph, it doesn't seem to flow or read just right, some how it's just a group of words that states facts but doesn't really hold your interest or make you feel involved. Not quite up to the "Lenny Standards" then again neither does this paragraph. I'm hoping that if I just keep writing that something will come into my head that I can put down into words that will make you smile or laugh or something, but so far, nothing. This is worst than I first thought. I was sure by now I would have come up with something…Oh, I know…Nah,…it wasn't that funny…How about?...No,…This is crazy,…I don't want to end this edition like this...
#6 TRUE CONFESSIONS OF A DIVE GUIDE
All divers are guilty of this, everybody does it, even if you’ve never done it before, as soon as you start diving, you are going to do it, whether intentionally or inadvertently, sooner or later, you are going to lie. I'm not talking about big lies that have a major influence on the New York stock exchange or a profound effect on world politics, but small little ones that just kind of slip out during normal conversation between two or more divers, they can’t help it, it just happens. Maybe "lie" is to harsh a word to use here, perhaps "exaggerate" or "magnify" or better still "overstate" would be more fitting. I know what your thinking, "Lenny, you've gone to far on this one", but let me give you just one illustration of the kind of "overstatement" I'm talking about.
I had three new divers on the boat recently, and to prevent any future legal litigation, I'll just refer to them as Mr. Johnson, Mr. Gordon, and Ms. Owen. We had just dove
Mr. Gordon: "Did you see the size of that barracuda; it must have been four feet long!"
Mr. Johnson: "That's nothing; the one I saw was at least five foot!"
Ms. Owen: "Did you see the school of them? Must have been 25 or more.”
Mr. Gordon: “Hundreds, I'd say."
Mr. Johnson: "Thousands, is more like it!"
Ms. Owen: "What a great dive, it's not everyday you get to see thousands and thousands of six foot barracudas’"
Mr. Gordon. "You got that right."
Mr. Johnson: "And did you see that shark? Biggest white tip reef shark I've ever seen!"
Ms. Owen: "Which one? I saw at least six"
Mr. Gordon: "Six? Where were you diving? I saw twenty or more gray reefs.”
Mr. Johnson: "I'm sorry, did I say white tip reef shark. I meant a tiger shark, really big one too, probably ten foot, maybe even twelve."
Ms. Owen: "The one I saw was fifteen."
Mr. Johnson: "Fifteen foot? I didn't think they got that big."
Ms. Owen: "Ah, not the ones that usually hang out around the reef but those pelagic ones get at least that big."
Mr. Gordon: "Pelagic?"
Ms. Owens: "The ones that come from the open sea."
Mr. Johnson: "Yeah, those ones are really big."
Mr. Gordon: "What a great dive.'"
Ms. Owens: "I saw a Manta ray."
Mr. Johnson: "How big?"
Ms. Owens: "Fifteen foot."
Mr. Johnson: "Didn't either of you see the three twenty footers?"
Mr. Gordon: "No, but I saw one that was thirty five foot from tip to tip!"
Ms. Owens: "Thirty five feet?
Mr. Gordon: "From tip to tip."
Mr. Johnson: "Are you sure It was thirty five foot?"
Mr. Gordon: "It was Pelagic."
Mr. Johnson: "Oh."
Ms. Owens: "What a great dive!"
There was an uneasy quiet on the boat and you could almost hear the wheels turning in their heads. I couldn’t wait to see where it was going to go from here. Then Ms. Owen turns to me and says, "Lenny, what did you see?" All eyes were on me. It was my moment of "truth." I knew that I only had one shot at it, and it had to be a good one. I Picked up my mask and causally applied two or three drops of defogger on each lens, gently rubbing the solution in between my fingers. I then reached over the side of the boat and filled the mask with water, gently swilled it around and poured the remainder back into the sea. I took a deep breath, slowly exhaled, and looked straight into their collective eyes and said.
“I saw a whale shark.”
This got their attention and I could sense that Mr. Johnson was about to make a comment so I continued before anyone could speak.
“Actually it was a mated pair; they were a little over 75 feet in length.”
I paused for a moment or two to let the image sink in.
“And the female was giving birth.”
I couldn’t help myself, I was on a roll, and I had to continue on.
“Normally I wouldn’t have taken the time to watch as I’ve witnessed that dozens of times, but what got my attention was the fact that the female was giving birth to identical twins. So as long as I was there I figured I might as well watch. As you are probably aware, a whale shark giving birth to identical twins has never before been observed in the history of man.”
I looked over at Ms. Owen, and just to be on the safe side I added.
“Or woman.”
All three jaws dropped simultaneously and I knew I had pulled off the biggest “overstatement” of the all. I sat back and propped my feet up on the ice chest, carefully positioned my body to insure the proper amount of sun light to maximize my tan, adjusted the brim on my hat so that the shadow fell across my eyes, popped open a soda and thought to myself.
“It’s good to be dive guide.”
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