I know what your thinking, “Lenny how can you possibly prove that the West is better than the East?” History is full of such proofs; let me give you a few examples…
Most people are not aware of this but the original clown, “Clare Bell,” on the Howdy Dooty show later became Captain Kangaroo. I only mention this, as years later PT Barnum, the famous owner of the “Greatest show on Earth” told a guy to “Go West young man, go West” One can only envision PT standing there with Clara Bell by his side honking his little horn and pointing to the West. Some of you may think that the afore mentioned quote came from Horace Greeley, but after hours of exhausting research by me, I have found absolutely no evidence that Clara Bell ever worked for Horace, or even knew him for that matter. PT is also infamous for saying, “Never give a sucker an even break” It may be politically incorrect, now a days, but back then “sucker” referred to any Chinese working on the railroad. And speaking of the railroad, what did it actually do? That’s right; it connected the East to the West!
For those of you thinking “How the hell did he connect Clare Bell to Pt Barnum?” It’s called “Literary License.
Remember
The Greatest wall of them all was built in
Let us not forget that the late Jim Morrison, of arguably one of the greatest rock ‘n roll bands of all time - the Doors, who made it quite clear that the “The West is the best” It’s also common knowledge that the best rock ‘n roll comes from America, the rest of the world just doesn’t get it, especially the East, I mean have you ever seen a Japanese Rock ‘n roll band? The only thing that they have is Karaoke, and even then all they sing are American songs. Ok, England has had a couple of great groups; I mean the Beatles for havens’ sake, and of course the Rolling Stones, and yes I’ll grant you that England is East of America, but it’s still West of the East.
The East has never produced any great thinkers. They had Confucius, but outside of a billon and a half Chinese who can remember anything that he actually said. I’ve heard a few jokes, like, Confucius says, women who makes love in strawberry field has ass in jam, but does this really count? I think not.
I will concede that the East was the first to come up with the printing press, but did they have removable type? No, they still had to carve a complete and separate symbol for each and every word. And yes it was at a time when 99 percent of the West couldn’t read or write, but who can read those crazy symbols anyway, not me, that’s for sure.
The East was also the first to develop paper, and for this, even I must tip my hat to them. Without paper the world would have no books, no newspapers, no income tax forms, no confetti for parades, no computer prints outs, no dollar bills, and most importantly, no toilet paper! But did the East actually use their invention of paper for any of the previously mentioned items? Of course not, it was up to the West to invent them. Let’s examine the most important item of them all, toilet paper.
Toilet paper was invented the latter part of the 19th century, by Mr. I.M. Whipple, of
If you’re still with me, it’s time to get to the point.
Have you ever had to use a traditional Toilet in the East? For those of you who answered “No” let me try and describe one to you. Without going into too much detail, it’s basically a hole in the ground! You straddle it with your feet and squat down to do your business. 9 out 10 times there is no toilet paper, and if there is, it’s pretty much useless as there is nothing to hold on to, so you spend the whole time trying your damnest not to loss your balance and fall face first out the stall and onto the floor.
Scientific surveys done in the early sixties came to the conclusion that the average Westerner spends approximately ninety minutes each and every day sitting on the toilet. That’s 10.5 hours a week, 315 hours a month, 3,780 hours a year, and based on the average Western mans’ life span of 79 years, that’s 298,620 hours in a life time. That works out to 12,442.5 days sitting on the toilet. Compare that to the average Easterner, who spends slightly less than 10 minutes a day. If you do the math, this of course works out to 1,233.255 days.
12,442.5 days is a little over 34 years. 34.089041095890410958904109589041 To be exact. Well, technically that’s not correct as it’s an irrational number and goes on and on forever. But 34 years will suffice for our illustration. Can that be right? That’s seems like a lot of time, let me recheck my numbers…Damn, ok, I made a slight error, it’s 42 hours a month, 504 hours a year, 39816 hours in a life time and that works out to 109 days for the average Western and 13 days for the Easterner.
OK, now where was I? Oh, yeah, to the point.
The point is, when a Westerner “sits” down on the toilet, he or she can take the time to read a book, the newspaper, a romance novel, or even write one, just about anything. Even if he or she doesn’t want to read or write, he or she can just sit there and think about things. But what can Easterners do? Nothing! Other than squat over the hole in the floor hoping that he or she doesn’t fall out the stall door and hit their head.
This is exactly what I am talking about, all the great inventions, innovations, and great literary works come from Westerners while sitting on the toilet.
You want proof? Let’s start with Archimedes. History is, to some extent, wrong, he wasn’t sitting in the tub, he was, in truth, sitting on the toilet, and when he was “finished” he looked down and noticed that the water level in the bowl was somewhat higher, due partly to the fact that he had been “partying” with Aristotle the night before and he really had to “go”. He stood up and shouted “u-reek…ah, did I do that?”
Isaac Newton was minding his own business (no pun intended) late one afternoon, sitting on the toilet, munching on an apple or two, and was amusing himself by throwing the apple cores out the door when he had a notion. “You know if I throw one of these apples hard enough it would go clean around the world and come right back and hit me in the back of the head. It’s just as if it’s in orbit or something” As he stood up, one of the apples fell to the ground, and he thought, “One apple falls, while the one that I threw real hard goes in orbit, therefore, gravity and apples must be one and the same!” It took him a little longer to work out all the details, but you get the point.
Both of the above examples happened thousands of years before the advent of the modern Western toilet, so the East has had plenty of time to come up with something, other than chop sticks.
Thomas Crapper refined the modern western toilet sometime in the late 1800s. Tom worked for “Home Depot” and thanks to numerous overtime hours, he was able to put a “crapper” into just about every Westerner’s home by the end of the century. There are a few exceptions;
I’m not exactly sure just how Einstein, came up with his famous theory, but I do know that he was sitting on the toilet at the time when a few of his wife’s relatives came over from the “Father Land” Not really being a sociable fellow, Albert decided to hide out in the bathroom as long as possible, but they just wouldn’t go away. Albert later said in an interview with Barbara Waters, “It was as if time just stood still”
I have proved that Einstein’s theory was correct when he said, “The faster one goes the smaller they become” You can prove it for yourself. Next time a car drives pass you on the freeway watch how it get smaller and smaller the faster it goes away from you. Some of you may want to observe how this theory works in reverse as well. It’s all relative.
Most people believe that Elvis died while sitting on the toilet, a Western style toilet. This is in fact true, but what most people are not aware of is when Elvis was in the Armed Forces from 1958-60, he was mostly in Germany, but spent a few months working undercover for Richard Nixon, and the FBI in Taiwan. Slightly after midnight at the “Hi Joe, buy me drink” karaoke bar, Elvis had to relive himself and while squatting, lost his balance and fell head first out the stall door and onto the floor. The Taiwanese doctor miss diagnosed the trauma to the King’s brain and said all Elvis had suffered was a mild headache. Seventeen years later, while sitting on the toilet, reading Tolstoy’s’ War and Peace, the pressure on his brain caused a momentary black out and he again fell head first onto the floor. Elvis had left the toilet… Had the Taiwanese Doctor made the proper diagnose, the King would be just turning 70, and alive and kicking, and on tour as the opening act for the Rolling Stones this very week, somewhere in
And how do you thing they caught Saddam Hussein? Just what do you think he was doing at the bottom of that hole? That’s right Saddam is from
I think I have made my point, so I’ll wrap this one up.
Lenny
P.S. And yes I wrote this while sitting on the toilet, isn’t it obvious?
This is for all of you (especially my 12th grade English teacher) that I do, in fact, have a Literary License just like that James Joyce guy who wrote “Ulysses” Which is story about a bunch of Greeks lost at sea for 20 years…
This is to certify that
Leonard Oberg
is allowed to write anything he wants.
Approved this 9th Day of August , 2007.
Signed: James Joyce
Keeper of the License
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