#1 Stamps

First of all let me say "Hi" to all my old Friends and "Hello" to all of you who will be getting the "Lenny newsletter" for the first time. Wow I can't believe ifs Christmas! The whole island has gotten into the holiday spirit with lights all over the place, and there are playing "White Christmas" on the radio. Yes there is one am station; 1580 on the dial, and I have all six radio buttons in the car turned to the same frequency. I don't think this will get to anybody before Christmas as they stop carrying mail on the plane this time of the year because of extra passengers. So, Merry Christmas if you’re lucky, or Happy New Year, or Happy Valentines Day

It has come to my attention that some of you are not writing, in fact all most all of you. I sent out 35 letters last time and only got two letters back. Do you know how hard it is too sent out letters? Not only do I have to come up with all interesting and witty thing to say but I have to go to the post office and buy stamps, which goes something like this...

ME: “Excuse me I would like to buy some stamps please.”

POSTAL GIRL: “……………..”

ME: “Hello, excuse me but can I get some stamps?”

POSTAL GIRL: “Want you want?”

ME: “Stamps I would like to get some stamps.”

From here on postal girl will be referred to as IDIOT

IDOT: “You buy stamps?”

ME: “Yes I want to buy stamps.”

IDIOT: “………………….”

ME: “Excuse me can I buy some stamps?”

IDIOT: “What?”

ME: “Stamps…Me buy stamps?”

IDIOT: “OK”

ME: “Yes I want Thirty Five, 29 cent stamps.”

IDIOT: “No have 35 Cent stamp!”

ME: “I'm sorry, I want 29 cent stamps.”

IDIOT: “ ..................... ........”

ME: “29 cent stamps me buy?”

IDIOT: “OK,” She opens the desks draw and tears off one stamp.

ME: “No, I want thirty five stamps.”

IDIOT: “No have 35 cent stamp.”

ME: “Yes, yes I know but I, ME want thirty five 29 cent stamps!”

IDIOT: Putting stamp back into Drawer. “What you want?”

ME: “Me want the god damn Stamp!”

IDIOT: “OK,” She opens draw and tears off a different stamp.

ME: “Good,” With an evil smile on my face. “How much?”

IDIOT: Taking out calculator and only making two or three errors, “29 cents.”

ME: “OK, I'll take ONE more!”

IDIOT: “Sorry, looking at watch, “Lunch!” Closes Drawer and walks away.

ME: Gritting my teeth and having vision of driving my Suzuki Samurai Jeep through the front door just like Arnold. “I'LL BE BACK!”

I must confess that I started this letter before Christmas but it's now the 26th of January, make that the 15th of February and I'm still trying to get this out It is the busy season for Fish N' Fins and we have had 50 to 60 divers a day for about two weeks, but things have slowed down to about 20 to 30 divers a day. I have been doing two dives a day and sometimes one night dive for the last four weeks without a day off. I'll usually have 6 to 8 divers on my boat and try to take them to the best spots depending on the weather and the tides. Last week I took a group to Peleliu corner which can be a real exciting dive as it is a vertical drop off starting at 5 feet and going straight down to about 1000 feet. There is almost always about 10 15 sharks at the comer but this time I was looking down and it looked like I could see the bottom so I went down to 150 Feet and what I thought was the bottom turned out to be a huge school of sharks! I estimated something like 150 to 200. I've never seen that many in one spot before.

There is also another place which we call "German Channel" because the Germans made it sometime before World War I. You have a 50/50 chance of seeing Manta Rays there. The biggest I've seen was one about 12 feet from tip to tip. 1 was able to swim up under it for about 15 minutes. It's always strange to see something that big.

The most exciting thing that's happen so far was about one week ago when I was down at 80 feet and the first stage on my regulator went out! An of a sudden my regulator started free flowing (air coming out uncontrolled) and started making this incredible loud popping sound that sounded like a motor cycle under water. Luckily when it broke air was coming out so I could still get air but needless to say when something goes wrong with your regulator 80 feet down it gets your attention real quick

One thing that is interesting in Palau is that local people chew beetle nut. Which is a nut that kind of looks like an acorn which they cut in half and sprinkle lime powder on it and with a half of a cigarette, rap the whole thing up in a pepper leaf and stick the whole thing in their mouth and crew on it. It gives them a "BUZZ" and everybody chews. The only problem is it makes you have this red saliva and they have to spit this red liquid all over the place. If they are indoors they will use an empty coke can to spit into. So you learn the hard way never, I mean never pick up somebody’s coke can and take a drink thinking that there's half a can of coke left!

There are only three kinds of people that come to Palau. Either they are tourist here for diving or missionaries here to spread the word of 5 or 6 different religions and screw up the minds of the local people or a lawyer from the US here to waste everybody’s time and money. So the other day I'm driving to the dive shop and a Palauan guy is standing by the road hitch hiking into town so I stop and pick him up. The first thing the guy says is "Thanks for the ride" and I say "No problem" and he says "How's your vacation going?" "I'm not on a vacation!" He looked at me strangely and replies "Forgive me Reverend, It's just that you don't look like a man of the cloth with the beard and everything and besides I don't get to church as often as I use to" To which I replied "I'm not a Reverend!" "Oh I'm sorry Councilor, How's you case going? Do you think you’re going to win and all?" "I'm not a lawyer, and I live here!" A tear comes to his eye and he shakes my hand and says "Want a beetle nut?" I was deeply touched, so I hugged him for his mother and took what little change he had left for gas money!

It is now well into February, and my birthday has come and gone. I had an amusing story to relate to you about my birthday and my age but somehow I just can't remember just what it was!

There is a chance that I will be going to Australia some time in July for a diving trade show. I am really looking forward to this as I have never been "below" the equator before, and I rea11y want to see a Kangaroo and see if water really goes down the drain the other way! Actually what determines the direction that water goes down the drain is the shape of the sink, but it is a good story none the less.

We have a lot of divers from Australia and they seem to be relatively decent people despite being descended from common criminals and still can't figure out what side of the road to drive on, and you would think that they would know by now the difference between a simple flashlight and a torch, but who am I to judge? Who knows maybe I'll run into "Crocodile Dundee" who if am not mistaken is the only one of them to ever make it "Big" And while I on it, why do they call the "Bar-B-Q" the "Bar-Bee" is it really that much trouble to put the stupid "Q" on the end! AND if they think their so damn SMART, why do they…I am sorry I just got carried away. So to all my Friends "down under" please forgive me, and, ah will one of you please be kind enough to pick me up at the airport?

We had a group of divers from Scripps Institute of Oceanography come over here a few weeks ago collecting sponges. Sponges have different kinds of bacteria that keep things from growing on them. They were looking into the possibility of some new bacteria that might help in the prevention of cancer or some other disease. So now, not only am I one of worlds leading sponge collectors; but also, one of the leading authorities on sponges. Well maybe not the leading but clearly I would conservatively place myself some where in the top ten. I say this with all modesty based on personal observations, as I do not think there can be more than ten people in the world who really care about sponges! I shall now try to enlighten those less fortunate on the difference between the common domesticated sponge and the wild sponge. Wild sponges come in all shapes where the common sponge tends to be more rectangular. Wild ones come in a variety of colors where as you may have noted the common sponge is usually pink, blue or yellow. The wild sponge leads a very stationary life with little if any movement where as the common sponge tends to migrate, first from the bathroom then the kitchen and finally works it's way into some dark corner in the garage. This lack of movement in the wild sponge does have one disadvantage, as it allows the collector to gain the upper hand during harvest time. In the future, all wild sponges caught be me will have a tag certifying that they have been "Hand Collected" without the use of drugs, long lines or gill nets!

I have to admit that there is a slight chance that perhaps a Dolphin or sea turtle may inadvertently be caught using the current method of collecting. So I’m designing a new sponge trap that will keep this to an acceptable minimum and I plan to market this to Scripps and other Institutes in the near future. I know what your thinking, "Just how big is the demand for sponge traps?" Granted there isn't a huge market for sponge traps, but I intend to charge an outrageous price as I am convinced that anybody who would BUY a sponge trap will pay any price.

Well I guess I'll try and get this in the mail tomorrow, so I'll end this edition by saying that your subscription to the "Lenny News Letter" is directly related to you writing back. So if you don't want to miss out on the next issue which by the way will cover such topics as "The Japanese, “Will they ever learn to dive?” And "Does anyone really like French people?" and "How to politely ask a fat girl to please go to the other side of the boat to help level the load" and "What do the Eskimos think of all this global warming?" and my personal favorite "Will poetry really be necessary in the 21st century?"

OK to all my friends who are-­

Supreme Court judges......................... "Hey, what's one little bribe?"

High energy physics............................ "Let the force be with you!"

Model airplane flyers.......................... "They all crash sooner or later!"

Private pilots....................................... "The propeller goes up front!"

Air line pilots...................................... "The pointy end goes up front!"

Red Skins Orthopedic surgeons......... ."Break a leg!"

Poets................................................... "Give me a break!"

Unemployed....................................... "Get a job"

Lawyers.............................................. "Get a LIFE!"

Ex partners.......................................... "I can use the money!"

Japanese............................................. "No, you’re a good diver, really!"

Ex-sub sailors..................................... "What the Fuck? Over!"

Sponge experts.................................... "Just kidding, I'm laughing with you, not at you!'

Asian Diver staff writers................... ."It's spelled, Lenny Oberg!"

Australians......................................... "Don't worry, they always by to tear down the very best!"

Ex wives............................................. "I'm sorry!"

Insurance salesmen............................ "Luckily, I don't know any of them! "

Sons.................................................... "Eric, when are you coming over here?

And write to Grandma and Grandpa."

Mom and Dad.................................... "I love you guys!"

Every body else.………………………."I miss you, and Write me please!"

This concludes this edition! Back issues available upon request!